By: Lolly Gagger
I’m giggly over Los Angeles. It’s like Los Angeles is Jordan Catalano. At this point in my life, I’ve only actually been there once, for one day. I danced in a drum circle on Venice Beach, but due to all the generous Rastafarians there I can’t say I remember much. The only thing from that day that’s crystal clear in my mind is that Halle Berry Catwoman posters seemed to be everywhere. Therefore, on every corner, I was simultaneously aroused and annoyed by the destruction of a great comic book heroine. I left without much love for the place. But apparently, I didn’t have the true LA experience, and certainly not the naughty one. Upon reading The Naughty Girl’s Guide to Los Angeles, by the luscious and luminous Sienna Sinclaire, I have been convinced that another, kinkier, more glitzy, fetishized trip to the city of angels is a must.
Sienna Sinclaire has written a travel guide for sex-lovin’ ladies and, perhaps more importantly, sex-curious ladies. Sinclaire is clearly as open as one can get with her love of sensual beauty and kink, and has deep familiarity with the world of naughtiness. But she doesn’t leave anyone out of the party, even if they’re a little vanilla. In The Naughty Girl’s Guide to Los Angelesthere are hotels and stores and events for all levels of naughty girls, with small nudges written in for the sex-curious lady to push past shyness or moderation in sex and begin to explore boundaries through events like sexy salsa classes and fun stuff like rent-by-the-hour motels for little day-trysts with your honey.
Sinclaire begins her travel guide with the “Naughty History” of sexuality in LA. I gotta’ say, I loved this well-researched Hollywood summary. It pumped me up for LA tourism before I even got to the listings on dick cakes and fetish hotels. The history section reveals an affection for glamorous times past, the lingering vibes of which make LA so appealing. She writes of the 1920s in LA: “Women were calling the shots and men were taking notice as flapper girls were hiking up their skirts, gyrating to the Charleston, boozing, staying up till dawn and necking and more in the back seat of cars.” Moving on to the 40s, she writes of the fabulously sexy shows at the Follies, Burbank Theater, Florentine Gardens and more, and she tells us they were packed with all sorts of people from businessmen to artists, reminding me of the diverse audience of porn today (porn: the modern-day, at-home Follies?). Part of the sexiness of this city is the glamour of its history. Through censorship and then ratings, through Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf and Marilyn Monroe and Deepthroat, Sinclaire gears us up for what’s to come. And come we will. Heh.
Once Sinclaire dives into her wide array of travel and fun-time options for the naughty girl’s LA vacation, it’s no-holds-barred. Sinclaire becomes a sex-caretaker for the reader. She’s thorough. She starts off with something other travel books don’t think about: pre-reading. Before you go, or on the plane, she suggests you read stuff like Hollywood Earth Shattering Scandals: the Infamous Villains, Nymphomaniacs and Shady Characters in Motion Pictures by Maimillien de Lafayette. You get the feeling Sinclaire genuinely wants your trip to be fuck-tastic. After the reading section, there are suggestions for films focused on sex in LA, hotel information, restaurants, sex-toy shops, LA singles websites, swingers info, and so much more. Bachelorettes, do you hear me? This book will give you such a good time that when you get back from LA you might decide that drip of a dude is not for you and go back to LA to keep grinding with Zac Efron at Teddy’s, or you might feel so satiated by your last hurrah in the sexy-as-Marilyn department that you’ll never regret monogamy. Shit, maybe you’ll see so many happy swingers at all the sex clubs you go to with your girlfriends that you’ll bring your husband back with you and experience a different kind of monogamy altogether. (Read the book’s “advice section”: “Naughty Tips 2” by Jeff Booth for more on swinging).
With Sinclaire’s advice in hand, you can plan a stay at the Hotel Bel-air which had famous guests such as fellow naughty girl Marilyn, secretly naughty girl Cary Grant, and unfortunately-not-naughty-girl Grace Kelly. Then head out on the town for shoe shopping! I didn’t even know what a “lingerie shoe” was until I read this book, but I think a lingerie shoe store would be my first stop. Apparently, such a thing as “marabou pom-pom slippers” exists. Go to Sinclaire’s suggestion of Faire Frou Frou on Ventura Blvd. and let me know how they are. Then get the goods to go with your lingerie shoes at Trash Lingerie. I thought I knew what trash lingerie is — it’s what I buy in the dollar stores in Astoria all the time. But it turns out everything in LA is awesome, and trash lingerie is sexy and fun, not stuff with moth holes in it. Then you can continue your shopping by going to one of the many dildo shops that Sinclaire tells you about. She lets you know the history of dildos in LA — the first sex toy shop ever was in LA in 1975 — and then takes you through places with dildos that look like everything from artichokes and serpents to actual cocks. Next up, go to an erotic photographer, a delightful suggestion Sinclaire makes. Use your funny shoes and lingerie and dildo and take a nice pic for your lover! Then go watch belly dancers at Marrakesh, a Moroccan restaurant for people on a budget, and follow it up with an erotic cake store for dessert and eat a dick. For your crazy night, head to Bar Sinister and hang out in the “purgatory playroom” where apparently there are some celebrity sightings. I’m guessing Jennifer Garner is their big customer. I can tell that gal is into bondage.
Doesn’t this shit sound great? I hope my Maid of Honor is reading this and getting her ass to Orbitz.com.
Sienna Sinclaire knows LA like she knows the female mind, intricately and lovingly. Hey, maybe she’s my Jordan Catalano… If you’re thinking of a trip, I don’t know what could be more fun than the stuff in this book. And if you live in LA, well, you’re a lucky fuck, and you should start taking advantages of it. When is she going to write one about New York? Sienna Sinclaire, the naughty girls of New York City need you.