8 Expert Ways To Regain The Upper Hand In Your Relationship

Sexy woman in corset, panties and whip, isolated on white

Written By: Aly Walansky

Quotes By: Sienna Sinclaire

We want to feel like we’re loved as much as we love, but sometimes it’s hard not to feel like we’re giving more than we’re getting in our relationships. Whether it’s us reaching out more, giving more, calling more, or simply caring more, even if there’s not an imbalance, feeling like there is can spell death to a couple.

Our romantic side hopes that relationships will never be about who holds the power, but the truth is the struggle to maintain a balance is always there, and no relationship is truly equal. Feeling like our partner holds more control or the “upper hand,” whether or not it’s accurate will often lead to the demise of a couple. Relationships are about comfort, trust, and feeling like you are putting in as much as you are getting back – and if either of you feel otherwise, then maybe it’s time to regain the power in your relationship.

1. Don’t play games.
If you want to be an adult in a relationship then you shouldn’t resort to “not texting him,” “playing hard to get,” etc. as these are all child’s games, says Sienna Sinclaire, a dating and sex coach. They may work for a little while but why would you want to date someone who plays those kinds of games. And if you were dating someone who was confident and a real man, they would never allow those games to be played and just walk away, as they should, Sinclaire says.

“Instead be an adult in your relationship and that’s what you’ll get back with your partner, an adult who doesn’t need to play games or concern him or herself with who has the most power in the relationship,” says Sinclaire.

2. Exude confidence.
The most important thing in any relationship is confidence. If you have confidence and believe in yourself, then you don’t need to play games. If the person isn’t into you, then you should be confident and strong enough to walk away. “A confident woman is very powerful to a man, and one a man wants. So the more confident you are, the more power you can have in a relationship,” says Sinclaire.

3. Set clear boundaries.
This is about what we accept and don’t accept, especially in areas of tension. “Make clear “Yes” and “No” answers with supportive statements that validate our decisions or behaviors,” says Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a dating in mid-life mentor, and co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60!

4. Be unavailable.
“Guys want what they can’t have — but I don’t mean game playing. This simply means, not making yourself always available for him, not because you’re choosing not to but because you have your own fabulous life full of friends and family that you want to spend it with,” says Sinclaire. Remember: a man is a fabulous accessory in your life, not someone who should complete you. You should love and complete yourself without a man.

5. Be independent.
If you want a guy to want and respect you, be your own person, says Sinclaire. Have your own hobbies, go out with your own friends, do your own stuff. Show that you’re comfortable in your own skin and doing your own things. Don’t ever appear needy, as that’s a huge turn-off.

6. Speak up.
Do not be a doormat. If your partner upsets you or you feel as though you’re being taken advantage of, it’s imperative to make your feelings known. “It must be done in a non-whiny way. Use a strong voice, without screaming or yelling, and be firm as to what behavior you will not accept,” says Midori A. Verity, The Relationship Illuminator.

7. Give each other space.
“I’m not sure whose idea it is to spend every waking moment with someone. I get it, in the beginning you can’t help but want to be around that person but you need to give someone space and get your own,” says Sinclaire. A guy will want you a lot more if you give him his space and vice versa. If you spend too much time with someone all the time it’s a quick way to lose someone. Giving someone his or her space shows you’re not needy and that you’re your own person.

8. Use assertive I language (which doesn’t mean aggressive or defensive).
“I want, I need, I desire, I can’t, I won’t … is a good way to start,” says Sedacca. Then be very clear about your demands and expectations. Make them realistic and fair. But expect to be treated fairly in return.

About siennasinclaire

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2 Responses to 8 Expert Ways To Regain The Upper Hand In Your Relationship

  1. #4 and #5 and the exact tools you need to stay single. Do all the other (great) things along with these two and you’ll miss guy after guy.

    If you’re like most people in the US you likely live in a large city rather than some small, rural area. That means that you have real competition! Being unavailable doesn’t create value. If you’re unavailable (#4) I just pick up the phone and find someone who is! BE AVAILABLE or BE REPLACED!!!

    As to #5; no, don’t be independent. Being independent is just as bad as being co-dependent. Would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want or need you? Of course not! Why would you ever think some guy would!? (We don’t.) Here’s a better idea: be “interdependent”. In other words, you bring your strengths and I’ll bring mine. Let’s meld them together – as a team rather than two independent individuals hell-bent on personal benefit – and see what we become.

    • I completely disagree with all your comments. So don’t be an independent person? I’m completely independent and that’s the main things guys I date love about me. Be your own person first and don’t need someone. It’s not about not wanting the guy, it’s being your own person. Just as you should love yourself first.

      And what’s wrong with being independent by having your own hobbies, going out with your own friends, doing your own stuff? It shows that you’re comfortable in your own skin and doing your own things and that’s a turn on for guys.

      So you say be “interdependent” which means to be mutually dependent; depending on each other. It’s not the same as your definition you made up. So I should be dependent on my partner and vice versa. Do that and you’ll end up needy without your own thoughts and ideas.

      If you’re too available trust me, you appear too needy. There’s never 50/50 in a relationship but you can try to come close. Not always being available shows independence and that you are your own person. If you want to pick up the phone and call someone else do so, but trust me a guy loves mystery. And if you’re not at his beckon call every time he calls you, he’ll want you more. It’s not game playing as I said in the article, it’s being your own person and letting your date/partner know that you have your own life.

      Sure there are people who want to be with someone every minute of the day, but that gets old. Giving someone their space doesn’t mean you don’t like someone.

      And if you do #4 and #5 (as you say) you won’t be single, you’ll have options and lots of them to choose the right guy for you.

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